Is High School That Bad?
by Supernatural Lover D.S.W
Summary: Castiel Novak lives with his brothers. He goes to high school, has some good friends and trys to stay out of everyones way. When Crowley, Castiels long time bully says some thing and Castiel finally reacts. How will he deal with his best friend and his crush of 4 years, finds out his biggest secret? Rated M just incase but a more rated T story.
1. Chapter 1

High school, supposed to be the best 4 years of your life right? But when you're in grade 10, in love with a guy who's your best friend... Life sucks. Now I know what you're thinking. That's not too bad. Did I forget to mention that I'm a guy and I happen to know that Dean Winchester is the straightest guy I know. On top of that, I have a pretty religious family and I'm scared that they will never accept me. I have never been very religious; I went through a rebellious streak a few years ago. I got a bunch of tattoos and piercings. Suffice to say that my family wouldn't talk to me for quite a while. This brings us to the biggest problem, the self-harm. It's never constant, I never let it show but if I need release it's always there. In my dysfunctional family there is Balthazar, Lucifer, Michael and Gabriel. In order they are 26, 24 (Michael and Lucifer) are twins, 17 and then there's me 16. So here it is, my name is Castiel Novak and this is how the 10th grade was going to be different.

I pulled up to Edwards's high school, this was my second year here and you could defiantly say I was not popular. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. If you want I say my style was gothic pretty boy, you would be totally wrong. I tended to wear skinny jeans and a V-neck t-shirt both always black. But for friends, I did have some. There was Dean, Sam (dean's younger brother), chuck, Jo and Jess. We usually all met at south side of the school.

"Hey Cas!" Someone yelled from behind me.

"Hey Sam, where's your brother?"

"Oh he's just parking the Impala, he will be here soon."

Not a minute later I was jumped on from behind.

"Cas! My man, ready for grade 10?" Dean asked.

"Yeah. It's defiantly going to be some year!" I replied. God he was so close and he smelt so good. NO CAS, focus he is not gay and your best friend.

"So we have English, P-Fit and math together this year," Dean exclaimed. "This is good because you will so be helping me with my homework."

"Same old same old." I laughed.

We made our way to English. This was going to be an interesting class, not only did we have Ms. Ruby but I also shared this class with an extremely homophobic asshole. His life consisted of calling me gay and trying to convince everyone else, it's not like he was wrong but it's not like I'd even tell him that. So what's the first thing I hear when I get back in class?

"Hey gay boy! Back for another year?" Crowley yelled.

"Back off ass butt. I'm not gay and why wouldn't I be back? You're just a jackass and I have no time to deal with your idiocy." I retorted.

At that moment everyone was staring at me. I guess they never expected me to talk back to the biggest asshole in my school.

"What did you just say to me fag?" He growled.

"Are you that stupid that you don't understand me?" I yelled, honestly I was so done with this shit.

"I said back off. I am in no mood to put up with your shit. I have had enough of you being a jackass and have no time for your idiocy." Dean stood there dumb founded.

"Now back off and let me sit down," I growled. I pushed past Crowley and for once he moved out of my way.

After class I practically ran out of there, I really isn't want to be in there anymore, because seriously when you piss of the guy that has been ruining your life in past years. You tend to be afraid.

"Cas, Cas! Wait up!" I heard Dean yelling from behind me. I kept walking because honestly, I was still mad sat Crowley and I couldn't be responsible if something slipped out. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Jeeze Cas, what happened back there? One minute your fine and the next you're flipping shit at Crowley," dean exclaimed.

"..." I didn't know what I was supposed to say, I knew that dean didn't know how much Crowley's words hurt me.

"What do you want me to say Dean? I was sick and tired of being called gay boy and fag. It was starting to piss me off." I told him matter-of-factley.

"Come on its just guys joking with each other. No need to flip out. You know he's kidding," he reasoned.

Now I know that dean didn't know I was gay so he really didn't understand what it meant to me. Though I swear to god, I did not mean to say what I did. Especially since he was my best friend and I wasn't ready to lose him.

"It's only kidding around when the joke isn't true," I whispered. I didn't know how he was going to react.

"Hahahahahahaha..." Dean was cut short when he saw the look on my face.

"You mean... But I... Since when?" He was stuttering. I wasn't in to far yet; maybe I could still pass this off as one big joke and keep his as my best friend.

"Dean get real, I'm not gay!" I tried to lie, but Dean knew me to well.

"No Cas, don't even fucking try to lie now!" Dean almost yelled. He grabbed my arm and pulled me outside the hall not wanting everyone to hear this.

"Like I said, you don't get to lie to me now. So how long? How long have you been a fucking fag?" He spit at me. I knew that dean wouldn't take this easily but I didn't expect him to call me a fag. I was close to tears now, but instead of crying I turned it into anger.

"FUCK YOU," I screamed. "Shit I knew you would be shocked and okay maybe a little mad but I wasn't expecting you to be so homophobic. If I would have known that I would have waited till I was far away from you, until I came out"

I could tell my rant made Dean think about what he had said.

"Shut... Cas... I,I... Please." Dean stammered.

"No dean fuck off, we're supposed to be best friends and suddenly because I like guys you can't deal with this. Well then fuck this friendship. By the way to answer your question I have known I was a fag since 7th grade." I yelled. I was done at that moment, I turned and ran. My worst nightmare had just become a reality. He hates me, he knows I'm gay and he hates me. I needed release. I went to my favorite and most secluded part of the field. I made small cuts on my arm. It helps clear my mind. God I was so fucked up. By now I had missed most of my second period. After lunch, which consisted of me staying on the field and watching the foot team practice, the day went by quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay so for anyone who is following this story I would like to say THANK YOU **** Second, i'm new to writing stories so, for the last chapter I'm sorry about how it was all one paragraph, it was not like that when I first wrote it. Well I'd just like to say thank you and enjoy the next chapter.**

School was over and I was waiting by Dean's Impala. I saw him walking towards me and my hands started to shake.

"Hey Cas," Dean whispered. I just nodded to him.

"Sam isn't coming today, so we can just go."

"Okay," I mumbled.

The car ride to my house was the most awkward it has ever been. When we pulled up I jumped out of the car and ran to my door. No one was home so I was afraid that if he came up I wouldn't be able to keep him out. I got to my door, unlocked it and just as I was about to close the door, behind me came Dean. He lodged his foot in the door.

"Cas, we have to talk."

"No Dean, we don't. You made your point clear and I got the message."

Before I knew what was happening Dean pushed me into my house, and locked my door.

"Dean get out. I told you, I'm not up for debating this," I said. I guess I didn't really have a choice because the next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, Deans straddling my waist and holding my hands above my head.

"Now you're going to lay here while I talk and you're going to listen," huffed Dean, "What are the marks on your arms?" Now I knew I was supposed to be listening but when the guy you're in love with is sitting on your lap, the only thing going through my mind was OMGTHISCANTBEHAPPENING! If he didn't get off soon, this was going to be a very awkward conversation because I can already feel myself hardening through my jeans.

"Dean please, please get off of me. They are nothing I don't even remember where they came from," I begged. I really didn't want to lose him as a friend. He already knew I was gay, I think self-harm would just push him over the edge. Luckily for me, he believed the lie.

"No Cas, you're going to hear what I have to say," Dean told me.

"Okay so, I know my reaction was a little harsh, but you have to know that is not what I think of you. Cas we are best friends and you being gay is not going to change that." I was extremely happy that he still wanted to talk to me but then again we had to get past the fact that I loved him. The sexual attraction was making itself obvious because I was extremely turned on and I know he could feel it.

"The thing is I think you judged me to fast," he whispered, "Cas I may have called you a fag, but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm not completely straight." I was completely taken aback by this.

"No Dean… You're not gay. God why are you doing this to me? Just because I like you doesn't give you the right to do that." I was so close to tears.

"You selfish, egotistical prick," Dean yelled. "You honestly think that my feelings are so shallow that I would like you just because you confessed you like me?" I could tell he was mad.

"Shit, do you think I would be hard right now if I wasn't attracted to you?" At this point he ground his hips down into mine. I could feel his erection and couldn't help the chocked moan that escaped my lips.

"Dean… Stop please. We can't do this," I gasped. At that Dean stopped.

"Why?"

"We can't come back from this, I can't deal with us not working out and then hating each other because of it. Dean I can't live without you," I pleases. By this point the tear were gathering in my eyes.

"What makes you so sure that we aren't going to work out?" He whispered.

"Dean high school crushes never last. Something happens and it pulls people apart. That and were both guys, people aren't the most accepting." I was staring him in the eyes. I needed him to understand.

"Well we will just have to make sure that no matter what we stick together. I promise," he whispered. With that he leaned over and kissed me. I tried to keep up resolve but I've been waiting for this moment forever. So I thought, fuck all and started kissing back. Dean had the upper hand; he had my hands pinned down. I was so far gone right now, I really didn't care if we worked out or didn't, it was just amazing that we were finally kissing. We broke apart, struggling for air.

"That… Dean …Why, why now? It's been years and you suddenly come on to me."

"Well Cas, look how long you have liked me. If you hadn't snapped in class would you have ever told me? Come on I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I'm bisexual, have the hots for my 'straight' best friend, and I'm on the football team." Dean told me. At this I laughed.

"Shit, I totally forgot about school, my family and my so called friends. Dean we can't tell anyone yet. God I would love to but with how shitty people can be and my sometimes overly religious family. I don't think it would be best," I really hated being a secret but I don't think I could handle my family yet.

"I totally agree with you, I definitely don't think my teammates will take this lightly and don't get me started on my dad. But you know when were alone and no one's around…" Dean trailed off, a smirk on his face.

"Oh no you don..." My words were cut off by my groan. Dean was grinding his hips down into mine. It felt amazing and I couldn't take it. Dean let go of my hands and I flipped us. We stayed like that for what seemed like hours, trading sloppy kisses. We were suddenly interrupted by my phone going off.

"Hello?" I asked slightly out of breath.

"Hey Cassie, you alright?" Balthazar asked.

Dean was still sucking and biting my neck, so I found it really hard to concentrate.

"Yeah... Yeah I'm good," I told him trying to keep my voice steady.

"Well alright... We're all going to be back in 10 min, so if you're not there, please head home now," Balthazar told me.

"I'm home doing homework with Dean." By the end of that sentence, I had to bite my lip to stop from moaning out loud.

"Okay well he can stay for dinner if he likes."

"Thanks... Kay see you soon." I quickly hung up and punched Dean in the arm.

"Do you want them to find out?" I asked in mock annoyance. I knew Dean could tell I had loved the attention.

"Oh come on, you know you loved it," dean smirked.

"We'll they are going to be home in about 8 minutes and were both hard. There's not enough time to do anything and not look suspicious. So will it to go away, now." I told Dean.

"Ugh Cas, come on 5 min?"

"Nope. Get up we are doing homework," I told him. Before I got up I kissed him lightly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Well thank you to anyone who is reading! Please Review, I want to know what you guys are thinking. Do you like it or is it just totally boring :p Well here is the next chapter, for anyone keeping up with me on this one!**

When my family walked in Dean and I were on the couch studying math.

"Dean! Sooo, you still trying to get with Lisa?" Gabriel yelled. Dean looked shocked. I froze, I know that Dean had wanted Lisa; I didn't need to hear about this.

"No, I'm not trying to get with Lisa. Besides she is not even that great," Dean replied.

"Are you kidding me you were completely head over heels in love with her. God it was pathetic how much you wanted her to like you," Gabe laughed. I knew that ii shouldn't be so upset but seriously had Dean settled for me because he couldn't get her? Dean just sat there frozen in shock.

"Just kidding. Okay Balthazar and I are going to play some MW3 upstairs." Gabe laughed while walking up stairs. Balthazar stood there for a moment giving me a weird look, then he proceeded upstairs. After they were both gone I turned to Dean, when I looked at his face I completely forgot about being worried. His face was a mixture of sadness and fright.

"Cas I swear I didn't come to you a second place or the back up. I haven't been going after Lisa for almost 2 months. Please, please don't end this before it has even started," Dean pleaded.

"I don't even care about that. You're here and that's all that matters. Ending this is going to be the last thing you have to worry about." I gave him a light kiss and we went back to studying.

"No Dean, its y equals mx plus b." I swear this was the ninth time we had done this question. It wasn't like he was stupid or anything because he was getting good grades it just usually took him longer to understand the concepts and formulas. It had been almost 4 hours of studying and I was starting to get tired. Luckily for me at this moment Gabe bounded downstairs announcing that pizza would be here any minute. I put away my math text book and sat at the dining table with my brothers and Dean.

"So how was school today Cas?" Lucifer asked. He could be a real asshole sometimes but after he heard about some of the kids bullying me he became really protective and always wanted to know what was happening.

"It was alright. Nothing exciting really happened." I didn't want to have to explain everything that happened with Crowley, so I just ignored the topic.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Cas you were amazing today! The way you finally stood up to Crowley and told him off. You had everyone scared." Dean laughed. Internally I cringed, whereas Lucifer loved violence, Michael hated it and always got really mad when any of us started a conflict.

"Way to go little bro! What was he saying this time? Geek, loser…" Lucifer laughed. Michael was just subtly glaring at me. I suddenly felt the room getting smaller, I couldn't tell them what he said… Could I?

"Umm, well f-fag and g-gay boy." I mumbled not looking up. Everything went silent and I was too nervous to look up.

"I don't think I heard you properly. Did you just say fag and gay boy?" Michael's voice boomed. I kept my head down, I didn't think I could deal with the look on his face, when he realized why they said these things. I just nodded and kept my head pointed to the floor.

"Why the fuck are they saying you're a faggot? What did you do to make them think these things. I will not stand for our name to be disgraced at the church because, some asshole thinks that you like men." Michael said with venom dripping in his voice. I silently started to cry and Dean said beside me completely silent.

"Come on Michael, calm down, Cas probably didn't do anything. Besides so what if he was. Would that make him any less of family? He would still be the socially awkward little kid, that you held in your arms when he was born. So what if he takes it up the butt, it wouldn't change who he is on the inside," Gabriel tried to reason. At that I looked up at him and he winked at me. He knew, he knew and he didn't hate me, maybe some of my family wasn't as bad as I thought they were.

"NO, I refuse. Castiel, you are going to fix this. That's final." With that Michael stood up from the table and stormed into his room. I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes. I knew he would react badly, but I had never expected that from him. If that's how he reacted when it was just a rumor, how would he deal when I told him the truth?

"Cas?" Dean whispered.

"Dean, I think it's time you went home. I'll see you at school tomorrow okay." I gave him a broken smile.

"Are you sure?" Dean didn't sound sure.

"Dean, please." I whimpered. Dean didn't look convinced but he got up and exited the house. It was just Gabe, Balthazar, Lucifer and I left at the table.

"I-I think I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight everyone," I said, tears were building up again and I was going to break if I didn't get out of there soon. Before they could say anything I ran up to my room and locked the door. There was so many thoughts running through my mind at this moment.

Why did he hate me? Why wasn't being gay acceptable? Why did he think this changes me? What would happen when he found out?

I crawled under my blankets and fell asleep with these worries in my head.

"Cassie, get up. It's time to get ready for school," Gabe yelled from downstairs.

"Yeah, yeah I'm up."

It was Pride day at school, now the school didn't know that I was gay but I was going to show my respect. Today I picked out black skinny jeans with a pink V-neck and my black sweater. I ran down the stairs and right into Balthazar.

"Whoa, slow down speedy Gonzales. Nice pink shirt, did Michael predict the future and now your gay?" I heard Gabe laughing from the other room.

"No its pride day at school, and I'm not too stuck up to show some respect." I stated.

"Alright, well hurry up, Dean is waiting outside." I ran outside, I was done with the awkward conversation.

"Hey Dean, Morning Sam." I greeted jumping in the Impala.

"Hey." They replied at the same time. The drive to school was fairly short, when we got to school we parked and headed to our first period class. This morning Dean and I had p-fit. It was perfect, I got to see Dean all hot a sweaty, using those muscles. In the beginning of the year we always did sports, it helped the teacher see what physical condition we were in. this week we were playing soccer. I really hated the change rooms, I had a nice body so I wasn't nervous about that, it was the multiple scars on my arms and the new tattoos and piercing. I had gotten the tattoo when I started cutting, it was courage in Chinese writing on my shoulder blade, a cross on my hip for when my mom passed away, a dragon that sits on my back just above my waistband (it was there because I wanted it to look like the fire he is blowing, goes up to the word courage) and 2 birds sitting on my collar bones. The only piercing I have is a bar through my nipple, I honestly forget why I had gotten that in the first place. When we entered the change room, Dean and I stood in the corner of the room where we normally change. We had gotten to school 10 minutes early, so everyone was just hanging out and talking.

"You ready for another year of hell? I still don't understand why we keep taking gym." Dean said while stripping off his shirt. I swear, he was doing it on purpose just to torture me.

"Yes I am, and we take it because it keeps us from getting fat with all the junk we eat." I laughed, pulling my shirt over my head. When it came off Dean and the few guys around us stopped and started staring at me.

"The fuck, when did you get this done?" Dean asked.

"Shit, Cas has changed."

"Damn, my parents would kill me."

I heard some other whispers from around the room, only one comment caught my attention.

"You know only gay guys get nipple piercings," Crowley laughed.

"Back off Crowley, I'm not in the mood."

"So you're not denying to being gay? And the pink shit… nice combo fag."

"You know what, I'm wearing pink because unlike most guys I am not afraid to show respect for people who are homosexual. Now as for me not denying it, why should I? If you're that obsessed with knowing, I have 1 question are you gay?" I retorted angrily.

"Ha-ha funny, everyone know I'm not gay. You're probably only friends with Dean because you are in love with him, but Cas get over yourself Dean is 100% straight. Besides even if he was a fag, why would he go out with you? Right dean?" Crowley asked, putting an arm around Dean.

"Ha-ha Yea, so not gay. Cas and I, never going to happen." Dean laughed. I know Dean was only protecting our secret, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"Whatever, you're the one that is always telling me I'm gay." When Dean looked in my eyes, I turned away but not before he saw the look of hurt in my eyes. Gym class was long and tedious. It consisted of Crowley making fun of me and myself trying to avoid Dean. When class was done I ran to the change rooms, grabbed my stuff and ran out of there. I would change in the bathroom. The next class was boring, I had ceramics because I needed one art credit. I couldn't pay attention because I was going over what Dean had said and didn't do.

**A/N: Alrighty so third chapter is up and is longer. Hope you all enjoyed these few, there will be more up later. The updates won't always be this fast, it's only because I have a good portion of this already written for a long time, so it's already here. Please, please review and leave your opinion, I would really like to know what people think.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you to YaoiISMyDrug.23 and StarkidSherlockSlytherin for reviewing my chapters! I love reviews and knowing your opinions on my story. Well here is another chapter, Hope you enjoy **** warning in this chapter for self-harm and self-esteem issues. If you don't like theses I will put an indicator to show you where.**

Lunch was a whole different story. When I entered the cafeteria I saw all my friends at our regular table but Dean was there. I couldn't bring myself to go sit with them, I would say something wrong and it may cause more damage. No matter how much I was hurting, I couldn't make things worse for Dean. I grabbed my lunch and walked to the other side of the cafeteria and sat by myself. I hated sitting by myself, it made me feel like I had no one by my side.

"Cas, why aren't you sitting with us?" Dean's question broke me from my thoughts. He sat across from me at the table and stared in my eyes.

"I can't, we need to talk and I don't want to say something stupid. I can't do this in front of our friends because you're not ready to come out and I respect that. So I'm sitting over here," I mumbled. He honestly looked really confused.

"The change rooms, what you said really hurt. I know you don't want to be outed so you had to say no to dating me, but did you have to sound so repulsed? I thought we were best friends, but you can't even stand up for me, you just let Crowley stand there and call me a fag. Do you understand how much that kills me? How much I hate myself every time I hear that word? For a while there I didn't want to live anymore, but YOU were the only thing holding me back." I rambled. God that came out so wrong, but I've needed to say this.

"God, really this I couldn't do anything else Cas, I'm not ready for people to know I'm bisexual. Besides he doesn't actually know you're gay, it's just him trying to get on your nerves. Don't be so over dramatic. Shit, if I knew you were this whiny," Dean trailed off.

"If you knew I was whiny what? This is exactly what I was afraid of. We got together and now everything has changed. I'm not being over dramatic those words really hurt. Never mind, I … just forget it," I trailed; I was done with this conversation here. If I tried to keep going I may burst into tears and I was so not doing that in the cafeteria.

"NO! You started this, you're saying that things change but that's only if you want them to. Now you can call me when you grow a pair and not let words I say in panic hurt you," Dean whispered angrily. I was too shocked to do anything and I felt the tears starting to pool in my eyes. I can't believe Dean would say that, I may have been overreacting but he was still supposed to be my best friend and boyfriend. I just nodded and he walked away. I ran out of the cafeteria holding back my tears. I had just made it to the empty boy's washroom when the damn broke and I collapsed into a heap on the floor, sobbing my eyes out. I knew that Dean didn't mean anything that he had said, but still the emotional abuse I went through every day was starting to get to me. I just didn't know what to do anymore.

****Self Harm In This Next Part****

When I stopped crying, I dried my eyes and continued on with my day. The rest of the day muddled by, I was running on used energy and I couldn't wait to get home and collapse. When the day did end, I walked home; I didn't want to ride with Dean in his car after what happened at lunch. When I got home it like something clicked into place and I couldn't help it I started crying again. I was home alone; I ran up to my room and collapsed onto my bed, the day finally catching up with me. My sobs racked my body, wetting my pillow with tears, I don't know why Dean's words hurt me so much but they did and it felt like they were crushing my body. I needed release. I went to my dresser and pulled out my pocket knife. I held the blade to my wrist and mad a cut. After the first one it was like the addiction took over my body, many more joined that one. They weren't deep; I wasn't looking to kill myself. Blood dripped down my arm and I instantly felt better, but guilty at the same time. I went to the washroom, washed off my arm, put antiseptic on and bandaged them. I walked to my mirror and looked at the multiple scars on my wrists; they were covered in pale scars. Looking at myself, I felt sick and wrong. Why would anyone want to date someone as fucked up as me, it was inevitable something was going to happen to Dean and I, this was entirely my fault. It made the pain that much worse, knowing that I'm the one who screwed up. I know Dean was right, I overreacted but for some reason I couldn't apologize. I hated myself for doing this to Dean and I but I wasn't ready to give myself over and trust that this was really going to last.

****No More For This Chapter****

Since no one was home I decided to blast music and start cleaning. I put my iPod on the dock and when the first song came on I had to stop and laugh, this was exactly how I felt.

_**You come to me with scars on your wrist; you tell me this will be the last night feeling like this**_

_**I just came to say goodbye, didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine**_

_**But I know it's a lie**_

_**This is the last night you'll spend alone, look me in the eyes so I know you know**_

_**I'm everywhere you want me to be, the last night you'll spend alone, ill wrap you in my arms and I won't let go**_

_**I'm everything, you need me to be.**_

I went to the kitchen and started cooking myself dinner. A few songs later another part really stuck out to me and I just didn't know why, but my music was really speaking to me tonight.

_**You gotta keep this coming, **_

_**Tell me like you know it, **_

_**But you don't know nothing, your call**_

_**We can settle this like gentlemen, **_

_**Or meet me at the back to end it all inside again.**_

_**My whole life's been waiting, **_

_**Ever since I can remember **_

_**Been anxious awaiting your fall, **_

_**And God let it be a long while **_

_**Can't let go of my life till I know you're done. **_

It was exactly how I felt about Crowley; I hated him so much for doing this to me, making me hate myself so much. Just on a few words, I had found my song. I was now dancing all around my kitchen and eating the food I had made. I totally lost track of time, so when the knock at the door came and I looked at the clock I was surprised to see that it was already six. Who would be coming by now? No one usually came to my house. When I opened the door, I was completely surprised. There was Dean, standing at my door, waiting for me to say something.

"Umm… Hi," I stammered.

"Cas, can I come in, we need to talk?" I knew it; he was going to break up with me. He had thought it over and was fed up with me. I tried to mask the immense pain going through my heart but it was hard.

"Yeah s-sure come to my room," I replied. I turned around and walked up the stairs, I was so nervous, I didn't know what he was going to say and it was scaring me. I sat on my bed and Dean leaned against my closed door.

"Okay… so what did you want to say at lunch?" Dean asked calmly.

"Umm… I just. Never mind, it's stupid," I replied.

"No, you had something to say. We can't do this unless we are completely honest with each other."

"Well I don't know Dean… I guess I'm sorry that I was whining about what happened in the locker rooms. At the same time what you said really hurt. I don't think you understand. I hate myself, he makes me hate myself. I can't stand who I am, and I really don't want to be here anymore. Anything would be better than that school. The sad thing is he is 100 percent right about everything he says. I'm scared Dean, we both can't come out but if Crowley continues, I'm just going to come out and deal with the physical abuse ill no doubt get." I noticed I was rambling. Dean looks understanding and scared at the same time.

"Okay, well if what I said hurt you, I am truly sorry. I do love you Cas, I was scared and I panicked, about lunch I was stressed and I just got mad. I know I can't fully understand what your feeling but Cas I love you and please if anything gets to hard come talk to me first. I'll always be here, and even if we broke up I'd still be here as your best friend. It would be awkward but I would make it work. I promise I'll try and get him to stop. If you feel like it's time to come out then I will support you but Cas please, please understand that I'm not ready," Dean pleaded. I was still hurting and had mixed emotions on everything but that was an amazing apology and I really did love the idiot.

"Dean, it's been 2 years and I just told you I was gay, I understand if you can't come out yet."

"That's a relief Cas! Though I am really sorry for today, anyways I got to get back home. Sam is still there, so I'll see you in the morning," Dean told me, getting up, kissing me and heading towards the door. Tonight had been way too emotional, so I crawled into bed and fell asleep instantaneously.

**A/N: Well there you go another chapter **** hope you all liked it. Please leave any comments and reviews just so I know that you guys are in fact enjoying this story. **

**Songs were: The Last Night – Skillet and Better Off This Way – A Day To Remember.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Okay, so thank you to StarkidSherlockSlytherin, I wanna be the very best and BlueRavenQuill. Loved your reviews. Just let me say, that things will get better and worse for Cas, so hang in there. Chapters will sometimes come in faster and some slower. I wrote this a while ago, but as I'm reading through and typing it, I'm making additions and edits. And No problem, anyone that wants to review every chapter is amazing! **** And the StarkidSherlockSlytherin, I'm glad you enjoyed the music! The best thing you can say is complimenting my music, it's basically my life, and it means so much to me.**

When I woke up this morning I vaguely heard arguing downstairs. Being smart, I ignored it and got ready for school. Today I was walking to school because Dean had woken up late and he couldn't make it to my house on time. I don't know why I didn't walk more often; it was only a 15 minute trip. I got to school and went right to English; we were reading Romeo & Juliet. I have already read the book twice; I wasn't a genius just really smart. Reading is my passion; I love getting lost in the pages of a book. I went to my seat in the back corner as soon as I sat down, Dean strolled in. He was looking really good today, but something was off, he didn't have his natural confidence today. Dean slumped down into the seat beside me.

"Good morning handsome," Dean whispered. I blushed, damn him for having this affect over me. I can't lie though, it hurt that he could call me handsome but wouldn't help me stand up to my bullies.

"Morning," I mumbled. I was beat red, it was extremely embarrassing.

"So… I was thinking," Dean said, looking kind of nervous.

"Yes?"

"Well, we are dating and I was thinking. We need to go out. We should get out and go do something, like dinner maybe?"

"Awww like a date?"

"Shut up! Yes, a date. I feel we need to do this. You're amazing and I really like you." At that moment our teacher walked in, Dean mouthed 'talk at lunch'. This lesson was really boring and all I could think about was going out with Dean. On one hand, it would be awesome and everything I had ever dreamed about. Though, I don't know if I could do it, Dean supposedly loves me but yet Crowley can still get away with calling me fag.

"CAS!" Ms. Ruby called.

"I'm sorry what?" I can't believe I had zoned out.

"Do you think that Romeo and Juliet jumped into things to quickly, were they actually in love or was it just infatuation?"

"I think that it can take anywhere from seconds to years to fall in love with someone. It's about what your heart is telling you, not what everyone else thinks is right. Though, I do have to say that they were overly dramatic and moving at a really fast pace." I replied smiling.

"Good answer, but please try and pay attention. Okay class, page 182, start from the beginning."

I put my head down and listened to everyone else reading. I was too tired to pay attention to the book I had already read twice. By the time class ended, I was already half asleep. My next class was Chemistry, and I didn't have Dean in this one so I was alone.

"Hey Dumbass," Crowley hissed, hitting me in the head with a pencil.

"Assbutt," I muttered under my breath.

"What's that queer? I'm sorry I didn't hear you," he sneered? I have never told you if I'm gay or not, so what's your proof?" I whispered angrily.

"You're so in love with Dean Winchester. No way you too can be so close without one of you loving the other, we all know Dean is no fag so that leaves you," Crowley stated like it was a fact, "why, are you ashamed?"

"You know what! Fuck that, NO, I'm not ashamed. I'm gay, queer, fag. Homo and any other word you can think to call me. I am sick and tired of your shit, and I have given up caring on what people in this school think of me," I yelled. I hadn't noticed that my voice had been steadily increasing and now everyone was staring at me. Suddenly, I felt really self-conscious, though the teacher looked almost happy.

"Settle down class," Ms. Jones told everyone. When Ms. Jones turned her back to the class, the whispering and odd looks started. At that moment I wanted to fall through the floor. I tried to focus on the teacher going through chemical equations but I could hear everything. When lunch came around I was extremely nervous, it wasn't that I cared about not having friends, because I didn't have many. As soon as I walked into the cafeteria everyone stopped talking, it was silent. There was subtle whispering but other than that, you could hear a pin drop. I slowly made my way over to my table. Someone grabbed my shoulder; here it was the inevitable fight.

"Hey Cas, you started some pretty heavy gossip! How are you doing?" Dean laughed out. You do not understand how relieved I was to hear his voice and how much will power it took not to bury my face in the crook of his neck and sob.

"You sure you want to be caught with the fag? It might start some rather annoying questions," I muttered. I had honestly believed that after I had 'come out' to the school, Dean would stop hanging with me at school.

"Cas, Cas, Cas… You idiot, you were my best friend long before either of us knew what gay even was and you will be my best friend long after this blows over," Dean said loud enough for some of the other kids to hear him. He then threw his arm over my shoulder and we walked over to our table. When we sat down, all of our friends just stared at me.

"Please stop staring at me like I'm some freak, I'm close enough to crying without you guys acting weird too," I pleaded.

"I'm sorry Castiel, this is just new. Personally, I knew you were gay but it's still big news," Jo laughed. That broke the ice and our whole table started laughing. Lunch continued normally, and when the 5 min warning bell went off we all scrambled to our 3rd period class. I had history and surprisingly I had Sam, Dean's younger brother, in this class. He was in grade 9 but he really loved history.

"Hey Sam!" I greeted happily. I was glad I had one friend in this class, other than Dean I felt closer to him than any other the other people we hung out with. He was incredibly smart and we have always bonded over the thirst for knowledge.

"Heyy, Cas… So," Sam looked nervous.

"If you're afraid to talk to me because of me being gay and everyone picking on you, I'll just go sit over there," I mumbled, turning around. I wasn't going to lie, that stung a bit. I was about to walk to the back of the class when Sam stopped me.

"Wait! That's not it, I promise, I'm just surprised. I didn't think everyone would care so much and the hate from people just really shocks me," Sam stated, pointing at the seat next to him. I smiled and sat down. The teacher walked in and started with WW1.

"Who knows the Axis and Allies of both World War One and World War Two?" Mr. Ackles asked. Sam immediately raised his hand.

"Yes Mr.…. Sam Winchester, what is your answer to the question?"

"In both wars, there were many on both sides but the main ones are; World War One: Britain, France and Russia as Allies and Germany, Austria-Hungary and Italy as Axis. For World War 2; Britain, USA, France as Allies, though Canada is also up there for their countless battles and Germany, Japan, Italy as Axis," Sam explained. Mr. Ackles looked surprised at Sam's answer.

"Yes, that's correct. You also brought up a topic we will be debating further in this unit. How important was Canada's involvement?" with that he turned to the board and started his lesson. Sam passed me a folded up piece of paper.

'_Hey how are you doing?' _I looked over at Sam and he looked genuinely concerned.

'_I'm doing alright, can't say it doesn't sting just a little though.'_

'_Why do you think everyone acts the way they do towards homosexuality? I just don't understand.' _I had to ponder my answer, there were hundreds of answers.

'_Honestly, I have no idea. It may be reluctance for change and scared to move forward.' _I gave the paper back to Sam again; he just looked at it and nodded his head. We spent the rest of the class actually listen to the teacher go over the women's involvement. Class ended and I walked to drama class. Drama was one of my least favourite courses this year, don't get me wrong, I did like acting but I don't like being in front of lots of people. In drama today, we were just running lines for the upcoming plays so I just sat at the back and watched people run lines. When the bell rang, I ran outside and waited by the Impala. Sam was the first one out of the school.

"Hey Cas!"

"Hey Sammy."

"Are you coming over tonight, or do you have to go right home? I have some new books about Greek lore and I thought you might enjoy them," Sam asked, smiling brightly.

"No I can come over for a while; I don't have to be home till later tonight."

"Cool," Sam just smiled shyly at me. Dean took longer than normal to get out of the school, but when he did we jumped in the car and drove off.

"Cas is going to come over and I'm going to show him those new books." Sam told Dean.

"Sounds fun Sammy," Dean chuckled. The drive to Deans was really short, by the time I had gotten out of the Car Sam had grabbed my hand and was running towards the house.

"Woah Sammy, Calm Down, I'll see the books eventually," I laughed.

"I know," Sam blushed. When we got to Sam's room I sat on his bed and he handed me the books. We started going through all of the content, and by the time I looked up again it was already 6:00pm.

"Crap, I got to get going Sammy," I said, standing up and hugging him.

"See you tomorrow Cas." I just smiled and walked downstairs. Dean was just sitting on the couch doing nothing.

"Hey Dean, I'm sorry but I got to go," I told him putting on my coat.

"Oh- I thought, never mind see you tomorrow. Did you have fun with Sam?" Dean said, the end sounding condescending. I looked at Dean and frowned.

"What did you think? And yes, in fact I did have fun. Those books were really interesting, we just lost track of time up there," I replied.

"I don't know, I thought that my boyfriend was coming over, so maybe we could spend 2 minutes together. Actually together," Dean said, raising his voice.

"Sam is my friend, I'm your boyfriend but I can't ignore that I did this before we started dating," I said matter-of-factly. I was honestly confused now, why was Dean getting so upset?

"Whatever, goodnight Cas," Dean mumbled. I leaned in for a kiss but he turned his face to the side so I just got his cheek. I just stared at him for a few moments, hurt pooling in my eyes.

"I'll pick you up in the morning," Dean said, opening the door. I just silently walked out when I got to the front steps; I heard the door slam behind me. I walked home, going over everything that I had done. I was trying to figure out what went wrong but I couldn't come up with anything… maybe it was me. When I got home, I put on pyjamas, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head. Only then did I let the silent tears fall down my face.

**A/N: Alrighty, there is another chapter over and done with. Things are getting more strained with Cas and Dean **** I hope Dean doesn't do something stupid and lose his supposed best friend and love. Well I hope you all liked this chapter! I'll probably upload again sometime within a week: D 3 love all my readers!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey guys, okay so it has been quite some time since I have updated this fic. I was thinking that it was time for another chapter to be added in. So tell me if the pace is too fast, I've been trying to slow it down, but I am kind of a new writer so thank you for bearing with me here. I've loved your reviews they were all amazing! So thank you to everyone for reviewing.**

RECAP: (Last Chapter)

"_**Whatever, goodnight Cas," Dean mumbled. I leaned in for a kiss but he turned his face to the side so I just got his cheek. I just stared at him for a few moments, hurt pooling in my eyes.**_

"_**I'll pick you up in the morning," Dean said, opening the door. I j**__**ust silently walked out when I got to the front steps; I heard the door slam behind me. I walked home, going over everything that I had done. I was trying to figure out what went wrong but I couldn't come up with anything… maybe it was me. When I got home, I put on pyjamas, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head. Only then did I let the silent tears fall down my face.**_

I woke up in the morning with a massive headache. Everything was bleary and I was disoriented. I pulled myself out of bed and stumbled to the mirror. When I saw my reflection I was surprised. My eyes were puffy and there was tear tracks down my face. 'Had I been crying in my sleep?' then I remembered my dream.

"_Leave it alone Cas! No one cares about you; you are going to be left behind. I don't really love you, I'm just using you." Dean screamed at my face._

"_Dean Please, please you don't mean that. I love you, I__-__I love you so, so much." I sobbed, falling to my knees._

"_You're a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend; I hope I never see you again." Dean spit out at me, turning around and walking away from me. _

"_DEAN! DEAN PLEASE COME BACK!"_

I shuddered at the cold feeling creeping its way into my body. I couldn't deal with this today, not with Dean being mad and the school knowing I'm gay. All the other emotional crap just had to take a backseat. Besides it was almost 8:30 and Dean would be here to pick me up. I didn't know how I was going to survive the school day today.

*knock*knock*

I threw on some clothes and ran down the stairs to answer the door. Dean was standing their looking bored.

"Let's go, or we'll be late," Dean said in a monotone voice, turning around to go to his car. I can't explain how much that really hurt, he didn't even acknowledge me. I squeezed my eyes together to keep the tears in, grabbed my bag and ran to the car. As I got closer, I noticed Sam in the front seat. I stopped walking, I couldn't breathe. It's stupid, but ever since Dean started driving, I would sit in the front and Sam was in the back. It was just how it had been forever. Dean's voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"Come on, get in the car or I'm leaving without you." Dean growled.

I cast my eyes down and got in the back seat quietly. I couldn't bear to look at Dean right now, couldn't take it if I saw the rejection, break-up whatever you wanted to call it; I couldn't handle it right now.

"How was your night Cas?" Sam asked happily.

"Fine," I mumbled.

"It was good, Dean made pizza and we stayed up later watching X-Men. It was so much fun, I wish you could have stayed too, it would have been lots of fun."

Tears pricked my eyes, "Thanks Sammy, I'm sure it would have been." I cracked a half-smile, no matter how sad I was, I couldn't make Sam sad he was to kind hearted for my foul mood.

"Shut up Sam. If you are so obsessed with Cas why don't you just marry the guy? Fuck its annoying," Dean hissed. The look on Sam's face pushed me over the edge.

"DEAN WINCHESTER, PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS OR SO HELP ME GOD." I yelled at him. "Why are you being such an asshole, first last night, then this morning? I thought we were best friends, this is not how best friends treat each other and that is certainly not how you treat your younger brother. Now I'm sorry if I did anything wrong, but I deserve some respect and I will not tolerate being treated like this anymore. I just can't and I won't." I huffed. I hadn't noticed that we had parked by now; Dean and Sam were staring at me with wide eyes. Dean, honest to god, looked like he wanted to cry.

"I – I'll talk to you guys later. You look like you need to deal with something." Sam mumbled, jumping out of the car. Once Sam had left I looked at Dean expectantly.

"Well? Are you going to explain why you got mad last night, why you ignored me this morning, and why you are purposely trying to make me feel like shit?"

"Yesterday had been the 10th year. The one day of the year that I need you there with me, you were hanging out with Sam. The one day where I need my best friend there to tell me everything is okay and to just be there and you were with my little brother. Tenth anniversary of my mom's death Cas, Ring a bell?" Dean mumbled, breaking down into sobs.

Fuck, fucking, fuckity fuck, how could I have forgotten. Every year we did the same thing. We ordered pizza, watched her favourite movies, and by the end of the night when we were lying in Dean's bed, he'd curl into my side and I would hold him through the tears, the ones that he held back on a day to day basis. The ones a best friend was supposed to be there for, not the boyfriend, his best friend.

"Dean, I didn't, oh my god, Dean I can't believe, I'm sorry. It's just everything has been so crazy lately and I completely forgot. I know it's hard on you and I should have remembered, but Dean you can't treat me like this every time you feel hurt. Please, please talk to me." I pleaded looking into his eyes, somewhere during his speech; I had ended up in the front seat.

"I-I know, an-and I f-felt so bad l-last night when you left *hic* I didn't mean to get mad and yell. B-but I needed you, I really needed you last night. I'm sorry, so sorry. Please, don't leave me. I'm trying, I don't mean to get upset, but it's been 10 years and then you weren't there, you were with Sammy and he's to young he sometimes doesn't even remember and I just took that out on you. I know I shouldn't but please, please forgive me." Dean sobbed into my shoulder. I kissed the top of his hair, I didn't care who saw, this was me comforting my best friend not me with my boyfriend.

"Don't worry, I'm not leaving and I forgive you. But Dean you have to please understand that what you do hurts other people. I know you were upset but you can't take it out on me." I was looking in his eyes, trying to convey how serious I was about this.

"I promise, I promise I will get better. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to."

"I know, now let's get to class or were going to be late." We got out of the car and walked towards the gym, we were walking closer than normal but if anyone noticed they didn't say anything about it. They must have seen the look on Dean's face and thought better of saying anything.

As soon as we walked into the change room, we walked to our spot in the corner. Everyone was whispering and glaring at me. I heard someone whisper 'I'm not changing with this fag in here. He might get turned on.'

"That's it," Dean growled, "Anyone who has something to say about Castiel being gay can come bring it up with me. He is the same person and he wouldn't be turned on by any of you assholes."

Everyone was staring wide eyes and scared; I just turned around and changed into my gym uniform. Dean did the same thing and smirked at me.

Gym class was interesting, though honestly not much different from what normally happens. The teacher made Dean and I clean up equipment after the class had finished. When we were done we walked towards the change room and heard people talking.

"I always knew he was a fag! The way he followed Dean around was pathetic."

"Why hasn't Dean seen the cuts all over his arm? He thinks he is hiding it but he's not. I'm hoping he slips and it kills him."

I stand there in complete horror. I don't know what to do; Dean has heard all of this. I look over to him, he is searching my eyes waiting for me to deny it but the tears in my eyes show him different. The look of complete horror that flashes over his face kills me, when I look him in the eyes he looks away, completely broken. I can't stop the tears that come anymore. I run into the change room, tears cascading down my face. Everyone goes silent; I just grab my bag and run into the washroom. It's still in the change rooms so I can hear everything that is being said behind closed doors.

"Dean what the fuck is up with the fag?" I can hear Carver ask.

"HOLY FUCK CARVER STOP! Just stop. He is not a fag, he is GAY, get it all you fuck wads GAAYYY. That doesn't make him any different than he was before. Sure he likes dick now but it's not like any of you tried to talk to him before so why does it even bother you? Jimmy your sister is fucking bisexual why are you suddenly jumping on the homophobic train? You're pathetic, you all are." Dean growled to them.

"Dude why are you even trying to be nice to Castiel? He is supposedly your best friend and yet he is trying to off himself. Must be some friend ship you guys have if he wants to get out that bad. Just get over it. He's a fag and sooner or later you're not going to be friends because your popularity stands on the line here. The gay kid or friends?" Carver states like it is some huge fact. I peak through the door and see the hurt across Dean's face. I take this moment to walk back in like nothing had happened. My sleeves are pulled up for once because honestly I'm already the hated nerdy fag. So why not let everyone know that I had been suicidal? The cuts mark up my right and left wrist and there are multiple burns that cover my forearms and for the first time I really don't give a shit at what people think.

Everyone just stares at me in wide eyed shock. No one dares to speak, Dean looks me in the eyes and I silently apologize to him. I'm feeling daring today.

"Oh look now that the suicidal fag is actually in the room no one can speak. But when I'm out of range you just can't seem to stop debating my personal shit. It's pathetic really. Just so you all know I would go straight before I ever dated any of you. Your all homophobic and I'm 100% sure that more than one of you are sad and lonely in the closet. The only person in the room worth talking to is my only true friend in the school and because of all of you being like this I can't wait till I'm out of this hell hole." I vent. Everyone just looks at me and then turn around to get changed. Many look ashamed for how they had acted, many still had disgust in their eyes but Dean still looked broken. I mouthed 'I'm sorry' but he just turned around and got changed. I couldn't deal with this; I was already changed so I walked out and to my next class.

**A/N: The song that inspired some of Castiel's emotions coming out was 'Bully - Shinedown.' Honestly an amazing song you should go listen to it. Alrighty, so that was another chapter up, I hope you really liked it. I made some minor changes, along with changing Crowley to Carver. I enjoy Crowley's character in the series and I don't think this is how he would act seeing as Crowley kissed bobby to seal the deal. If you don't like it and you enjoyed Crowley as the bully, just write it in the review and I will see what everyone says. If tons of you enjoyed Crowley ill bring him back as the bully, or maybe later in the fic I can bring him in as a new student. Just tell me what you think. Again sorry for the long wait on this chapter and I hope you have enjoyed it.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Okay so I'm just going to apologize right now and say that, no I have not given up on this story. I'm just trying to settle things right now and while I was re-reading through what I had written I really didn't like it anymore, so I basically had to change everything that I had previously written. So if anyone is still following this story, thank you for putting up with me this long, and I promise that I will try to me more on top of writing this out for all of you.**

**Recap: **"Oh look now that the suicidal fag is actually in the room no one can speak. But when I'm out of range you just can't seem to stop debating my personal shit. It's pathetic really. Just so you all know I would go straight before I ever dated any of you. Your all homophobic and I'm 100% sure that more than one of you are sad and lonely in the closet. The only person in the room worth talking to is my only true friend in the school and because of all of you being like this I can't wait till I'm out of this hell hole." I vent. Everyone just looks at me and then turn around to get changed. Many look ashamed for how they had acted, many still had disgust in their eyes but Dean still looked broken. I mouthed 'I'm sorry' but he just turned around and got changed. I couldn't deal with this; I was already changed so I walked out and to my next class.

I headed to ceramics by myself today. Usually Dean would walk me to the majority of my classes but as of late, things have been getting worse between the two of us and I just don't know what to do anymore. When I got to ceramics, I put on my headphones and started working on my vase. I was at the top of the class so Ms. Smith (a/n: Pardon me for my terrible names:P) just let me do whatever I wanted. I was working of sculpting the outside of my vase; it was a very simple concept. It was just a tall, plain cylinder and I was now decorating and shaping the outside. I didn't have many friends in any of my classes. Even the ones that I usually sit with aren't really that close to me, we more sit together because of Dean and Sam, so I was usually alone with my music. While decorating my vase I got to thinking about what had happened in the change rooms. I know it's not Dean's fault for freaking out when he heard about everything, it would have been better coming from his best friend… Well I guess boyfriend now. Still I can't help but feel upset and betrayed, that would have been another perfect moment for Dean to even just tell me that we would talk later, not completely ignore me and pretend I wasn't there. I don't know what made me look up, but I did and everyone was staring at me. I removed my headphones and then I heard it, the fight from the gym. How do these things get around the school in less than an hour? I just don't understand. I'm guessing that someone had taken a video, there was my voice yelling at Carver, admitting my biggest secrets. Mixed in the background I could hear them "fag" "emo" "loner" and "cutter. There was some praise there to, "way to go Cas," "You show them", it made me feel a little better knowing that I had some people on my side. I put my headphones back in and went back to ignoring everyone. This also gave me time to think about how I was going to explain all of this to Dean, he had looked so hurt. The only question I had was how come of everyone else knew, he didn't? At that moment my phone buzzed.

I looked at my screen and frowned

'_Meet me on the roof of the school lunch. We need to talk'- D.W_

'_Dean, I'm really sorry'- C.N_

'_Just please meet me there'- D.W_

'_Okay, ill be there'- C.N_

He didn't text back, I was so afraid. I hoped that what he had said was true, that he wouldn't break up with me. If he did, I would have to deal with this by myself and I was not ready for that. By the time the bell had wrung I had worried so much, that I was really on edge. I made my way to the abandoned staircase on the 4th floor. Once I had made it to the roof, I saw Dean sitting at the far end. He looked like he had been crying, my heart broke at the sight, I had never wanted to see him in pain. I guess he hadn't heard me because when I cleared my throat he looked incredibly surprised.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hi, come sit." Dean chocked out and patted the spot beside him. It was really awkward and I really didn't know what to say to him.

"Why?" Dean asked, looking into my eyes.

"Right into the hard questions," I laughed. I had to find humor in all of this or else I might burst into tears.

"Okay, well I honestly don't really know. The best answer I can give you is, I need to feel control. So many things in my life suck right now and I may sound idiotic but cutting gives me some of that control back. Things get said about me every day and sometimes, I just snap and cant take it anymore." I told him, avoiding his eyes.

Dean let out a long sigh. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him run his hand through his hair.

"Alright, well I'm not saying that it was smart but I can see where you're coming from. I really love you Cas, even without being boyfriends, I will not sit around and slowly loose you to this. I cant go through loosing another important person. If you want I will help you through this, but I have one question when was the last time you cut yourself?" Dean asked. I didn't want to answer that question because the last time was when we fought and his words had gotten to me.

"Umm… it was just over a week ago," I mumbled, hopeing that he wouldn't really hear what I had said. I was nervous, I really hoped that Dean would not be able to put the dates together in his head. There it was though, the slowly widening eyes and the gears clicking together.

"No, no, no, a hundred time no. Please don't tell me… oh god, it was…" Dean whispered. I could see him going pale and his hands shaking.

"I'm sorry, so sorry. Please don't break up with me. I didn't… I just couldn't handle everything going on and I slipped up. I'm sorry, please, please don't leave me. I cant do this without you Dean." I sobbed out.

"Oh god, its all my fault. Me and my big mouth, and then you go and do that. God, Cas I am so sorry. I didn't mean anything, I was scared and then I panicked. God I love you please don't do this to yourself. So many things could go wrong. I am never breaking up with you, but you have to promise me one thing. Call me. No matter what time it is, call me and I will be there to talk."

I was dumbfounded, he wasn't going to leave me because of this, and I didn't even know what to do. I just threw myself into his arms and hugged him really close.

"I promise, I will, ill call you. I cant promise that this is going to be easy or that I wont slip up but I will call you," I whispered, my head buried in his collarbone. I was getting uncomfortable on my knees, hugging him, so I turned around with my back to his chest and settled in between his legs. He wrapped his arms around me, and grabbed my hands.

"Can I?" He asked looking at my wrists. I looked at him nervously; I had never shown them to anyone this personally. Other than the adrenalin high during gym class, they had always been covered. I slowly nodded, and he rolled my sleeves up. There were new and old scars covering both wrists and I was really ashamed. They were ugly, I hated them. Dean slowly brought my wrist towards his mouth and kissed my scars. I was shocked, he did this with my other one and then rested our arms on my stomach. He continued methodically running both his thumbs over each wrist.

"Don't be ashamed," he whispered, "you're beautiful, with or without the scars. They just show how much you have been through, and I couldn't be any happier with you. Knowing that you are still here, fighting alongside with me, we will get you through this. Don't you worry about it baby." Dean kissed the shell of my ear then hooked his chin over my shoulder. I was speechless; I never expected this from him. I was still upset at him for some of the things he did and didn't do over that last few weeks, but I knew that we would get through them. I just nodded and closed my eyes, I didn't want to disrupt this perfect moment.

We continued to sit in silence for a while longer until Dean suddenly started talking again.

"Hey, so I remembered. I informally asked you on a date last week."

I just hummed in response, I was to lethargic to be able to communicate yet.

"So, how about we go out? Say tomorrow after school? I was thinking the cliché, dinner and a movie? I realized we haven't really done this dating thing properly, and I really do want to be a proper boyfriend. You deserve that Cas, someone to worship the ground you walk upon, I want to start doing all of this right." Dean told me. I just started blushing. I couldn't help it he made me feel like everything was on fire inside me.

"No I don't, I don't deserve that. You do though. I agree with you, we should try and do this properly. I would love to go on a date with you Dean, no matter how cliché that does sound I'm sure it will be amazing." I turned my head towards him and gave him a kiss.

"Thank you. Thank you so much for being here and not freaking out on me, giving me a chance to get better." I mumbled.

"It's no problem, we all deserve second chances. Lord knows I've used up my second, third and fourth chance with you. I know that I'm hard to get along with, but I'm glad that you were my best friend long before this because I don't know how you would deal with me if you hadn't been." Dean chuckled.

This was the most calm I had felt in the longest time. I was so relieved that even though all the shit going on with Dean, he was still here. Still close to me, reminding me that he would forever be my best friend and hopefully more than that for the rest of my life. I couldn't wait for our date, it would be the first one and I was just really looking forward to it.

"So ill pick you up at like 6:00-6:30 depending on what time the movie starts. We will go eat dinner, watch the movie and ill make sure to have you back before curfew so Michael doesn't have a conniption," Dean chuckled into my neck.

"That sounds perfect. Now stop talking and just enjoy the moment with me," I told him.

Dean just laughed, pressed a kiss to my neck and started humming one of his favourite songs. It was the perfect moment, and I never wanted it to end.

**A/N: ****So there is the chapter, I couldn't have our boys suffer for too long. **** There will be more angst and everything to come later but I decided to give them a break. I hope you really enjoyed this chapter, sorry if it is a little short. The song that inspired me while writing was You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground – Mayday Parade.**


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